i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This is classic penis vs brain.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
