i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
