Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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