The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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