i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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