apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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