First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
