hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
