I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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