god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
