"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
