YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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