I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
