I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
