Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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