I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
