imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Randomize
