I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
