Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
