I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
