My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
