what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
