thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
