I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
