I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
