I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
