don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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