The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
