U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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