lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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