He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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