I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize