i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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