Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
