batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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