Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
