paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
