just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
