Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
