I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
