you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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