Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
