Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize