whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
it was like eating out sand paper
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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