my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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