An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
