Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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