I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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