wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
