Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
