I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
