My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
