Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
