Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm really busy with my period
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