I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
