I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
