My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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